A Mean Streak

It seems like every time when I hit that pit...after I feel like I have had "A REVELATION" ...You somehow bring things across my path. I know it has to be You, because our very conversations that we have, the things I battle with spiritually that only You and I know about...are all of sudden being brought to my attention thru someone speaking your word or just using small incidents that show me You really do listen. It makes me embarrassed to think about the things I question You on...Time and time again, there are days I feel like You are too busy to deal with me and my insecurities. But, then days like today...can feel You next to me. What is the purpose of this? Why one minute I stand on a mountain peak, and the next I know, I have hit a mudslide only to find myself barely able to stand on my 2 feet. When we meet Lord, You and I have a lot to talk about! I feel CLUELESS on my life at times.

I have been studying the book of Esther the past 2 weeks. I have studied it before, but not this in depth. It is so obvious your hand was upon her. I really pray that You bless Beth Moore for her ministry to women. God You have used her to truly reach women in ways I cannot even find words to explain. I don't think I am in this study by mere chance. In the evenings I feel like I just do not have the energy to go...and I am always finding the excuse to not go. I have so much to do at home, or I don't like the kids being up so late. I don't feel comfortable with women I don't know, or I just don't think anyone can relate with me. But I have gone, not knowing what to expect. Why would I second guess what to expect with You.

Last week in this study we talked about who Mordecai and Hadassah also known as Esther were. I didn't realize Mordecai being a Jew was so vital to knowing the history of where this man came from. Coming from pretty much a well off family I believe to being exiled to nothing. Being a lonely man to all of a sudden a father to a cousin. And Esther~ A woman who was an orphan. Lost her parents at such an early age. To not have either of her parents. It's one thing to lose one, but both. They both had a history. Esther had no experience whatsoever in royalty. Yet she was forced into the kings search for a new wife. God didn't use someone to change a time in history with a "impressive back ground".

Last night in the study Beth discussed how "It is tough being a woman in a mean world". I think any woman knows that girls can flat out be mean. She revealed how meanness has a history and just doesn't "Pop up"

Now, she went super in depth with Haman who was King Xerxes "right hand man". So in depth that I have to go back and look it over again because I am completely lost. It talks about Haman and where he came from. I can't remember if she said it was a long the line of Saul and his disobedience to follow God's instructions. I don't know. I was seriously lost in all that. The main point she was making is that Haman had a history of anger passed down thru generations to him. Anyhow, Haman had a lot of power. Haman was driven. He was driven by wealth, ego, and rage. He was enraged at Mordecai because of his refusal to bow down to Him because he only showed that reverence to the living God. This made Haman livid! She made a point about how nothing is meaner than a coward because they pick on the elderly, weak, children, and all the defenceless. Haman had this power over Mordecai because he had no "royal power". Haman like all of us at times, was "mean" because he was "threatened" by Mordecai. When we are threatened, we often times become enraged and mean.

I cannot help but be convicted, Father. I feel like I am meaner than I have ever realized. I hear so many people talk about "how sweet I am" They do not know me like You. Unfortunately there are those who have seen this mean streak and certain people who can bring out this mean streak that no one else can. Those who we are mean to, there is ALWAYS a threat behind it! What am I threatened by, Lord. What is it? Beth made a statement of "insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry." Was this a comment that was meant for me? It keeps spinning thru my head. I am not ignorant to the fact I am probably the most insecure person out there. I am always comparing myself to others. Realizing I don't quite measure up to them. Why am I threatened by those who are smarter than me? I don't quite catch on as quick as others and it honestly makes me feel stupid. The fact that I am unable to remember anything at times and forget so often it is embarrassing. I am not as patient, at times easily angered....and then there are those I know that are the complete opposite. I start wishing I were like them. You know, the more "spiritual people" Or when I feel like I am beginning to catch on to a talent,and someone pops along and is far more talented than I...so I go searching for a new talent because I am not good at it like they are. Why do I do that? Why do feel insecure and threatened by those I don't quite measure up to. 2Cor. 10:12 is the scripture verse used. You tell us NOT to measure ourselves to others. So, how do I stop? How do you just toss those insecurities?

I have felt so threatened by women for a long time. I know You know. I talk like you don't know any of this. I cannot remember why Beth mentioned this next quote....but I wrote it down on my notes, because it was one of those quotes that convicted me. But she mentioned that "We will never have the perfect friend. We will never have that perfect Sunday School teacher, or whoever it is that you tend to run to" Our basic instinct is to find those who feed into our emotions and eventually you smother them and I am sure that I have been one to do that. I don't know why but I need You to tell me how I am supposed to respond to this comment. I feel like there is something You are trying to get thru to me...but it is just not clicking.

The last thing Beth said was, We all have a mean streak. We have those moments where we are mean, but go back and apologize sorry and not quite sure why would ever say something or do something like that. I have no idea what came over me. Please forgive me. But a mean girl never takes responsibility. I want to take responsibility. But it's hard.

I need to be open to all of this God. I want You to show me and I want to grow. But during the growing pains it hurts so bad. So much easier to just be mean. So where do I go from here? How do I identify these threats and remove them? How can I be threatened? If You are for me, Who can be against me? If I am not measuring up to others, help me to realize You love me just the way that I am but don't want to leave me where I am. You are all I need and live for. Not to impress others with speech and talents. Not to rely on others to nurture me in my valleys but to call out Your name.

Ugh....I have rambled. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be the influence that Haman was. I want to leave my Haman to You. Not to be overcome by my Haman but overcome my Haman. Not to bow down to Haman, but to love and forgive until Haman's heart sears.

Yours,
Me