I have been up for a couple hours now...I haven't even started my day...Kids are still asleep and I am wondering what this day is going to bring. I have so much anxiety I can barely breath. You think you have plans and then things can come out of no where. I am so clingy to my kids and husband...which is not necessarily bad...but just out of my norm to not want my own space. I keep thinking about how much I love them and despite what I might face mentally or spiritually, I have to be their mom and Rusty's wife far most. I get one chance at this. One! I feel like if I let anything else in outside of this circle I am only asking for distraction from my job and flat out pain and hurt. I try and work so hard to put God first in my life....and like this picture I have posted with my kids...even though times may be emotionally or mentally draining....they can still see their mommy is there for them no matter what....brushing the world off and loving them more than anything else.
We buried my Aunt yesterday. I didn't know her well. I didn't know what her favorite color was, her favorite food, or what her heart desired most. But I know God had major plans for her life and had desires for her. But it took a man drunk and drugged to change all of that. And a law system after already seeing this man kill a person before to wait for Shelli's death to finally have enough evidence to put this man away. It's hard not to let my blood boil thinking about this. What if a man like this had hit my husband? My kids?
I watched Uncle Steve look over his wife's casket and tell his wife goodbye. I just weep for his hurt. His daughter's and son....their grandchildren. What if I was burying my husband from a tragedy like this...I can barely type these words because I am just crying and hating myself for wasting so much time and forgetting what I have right in front of me....
The other night, Rusty and I were in bed ...and he out of the blue said "Do you know how good of a wife you are to me?"....He has said this before....not recently but has said it....but for some reason it was just the right time for me to hear those words and I melted. I don't say it enough, but I love Rusty and he is by far the greatest blessing God has given me. I won't lie, marriage is hard and often just flat out sucks at times. It is definitely something I would not want to do without God being in the center of it. But I hate the fact that I have wasted so much time on resenting his workaholic issues rather than just being his wife and loving him and supporting him. I have spent so much time in therapy and listened to Jan tell me all these different ways I can react and other things I flat out didn't want to hear, but there is a reason we pick and choose our battles....it's moments like loosing a spouse, child, etc...with no goodbye or getting to choose your last words....
Can I just say I have huge respect and admire people who don't complain and suffer silently...Not to the point it makes them bitter and angry.... or that you shouldn't rely on God or family and friends...But just don't whine and complain how life doesn't go their way. They don't have money, their husband is insensitive, their job stinks, their kids that....or whatever other trial they face. Some people are just born to complain....I could most likely fall into that category. Not that I haven't been jipped as Jan would say or didn't deserve better and was wronged....but not allowing other people's actions to define who I am or how I react. I guess that has just been something that has stuck with me. But will take training being that my flesh cries out to complain and at times can take over. A lot :o/
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Father, I don't think this email in anyway was spiritual but was basically just me letting it out. Forgive me for thinking wrong thoughts and for allowing wrong feelings to determine my attitude. Help me to believe your word and to ALWAYS be open to the Holy Spirit. When I lack trust in people help me to not EVER allow their actions or hurtful spews to become my perception of Who You Are. I love you Lord, and honestly need my heart cleaned from so many anxieties, hurts, anger....just everything my flesh is trying to cling on so hard to. I in no way claim to be perfect in any area. Help me to let go and to just focus on what really matters in my life. I have so much to be grateful for and don't want to take for granted what you have entrusted me with. An amazing man of God and 3 beautiful children who at an early age already show a passion for loving You.
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