Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It's All Right Here

I have been up for a couple hours now...I haven't even started my day...Kids are still asleep and I am wondering what this day is going to bring. I have so much anxiety I can barely breath. You think you have plans and then things can come out of no where. I am so clingy to my kids and husband...which is not necessarily bad...but just out of my norm to not want my own space. I keep thinking about how much I love them and despite what I might face mentally or spiritually, I have to be their mom and Rusty's wife far most. I get one chance at this. One! I feel like if I let anything else in outside of this circle I am only asking for distraction from my job and flat out pain and hurt. I try and work so hard to put God first in my life....and like this picture I have posted with my kids...even though times may be emotionally or mentally draining....they can still see their mommy is there for them no matter what....brushing the world off and loving them more than anything else.

We buried my Aunt yesterday. I didn't know her well. I didn't know what her favorite color was, her favorite food, or what her heart desired most. But I know God had major plans for her life and had desires for her. But it took a man drunk and drugged to change all of that. And a law system after already seeing this man kill a person before to wait for Shelli's death to finally have enough evidence to put this man away. It's hard not to let my blood boil thinking about this. What if a man like this had hit my husband? My kids?

I watched Uncle Steve look over his wife's casket and tell his wife goodbye. I just weep for his hurt. His daughter's and son....their grandchildren. What if I was burying my husband from a tragedy like this...I can barely type these words because I am just crying and hating myself for wasting so much time and forgetting what I have right in front of me....

The other night, Rusty and I were in bed ...and he out of the blue said "Do you know how good of a wife you are to me?"....He has said this before....not recently but has said it....but for some reason it was just the right time for me to hear those words and I melted. I don't say it enough, but I love Rusty and he is by far the greatest blessing God has given me. I won't lie, marriage is hard and often just flat out sucks at times. It is definitely something I would not want to do without God being in the center of it. But I hate the fact that I have wasted so much time on resenting his workaholic issues rather than just being his wife and loving him and supporting him. I have spent so much time in therapy and listened to Jan tell me all these different ways I can react and other things I flat out didn't want to hear, but there is a reason we pick and choose our battles....it's moments like loosing a spouse, child, etc...with no goodbye or getting to choose your last words....

Can I just say I have huge respect and admire people who don't complain and suffer silently...Not to the point it makes them bitter and angry.... or that you shouldn't rely on God or family and friends...But just don't whine and complain how life doesn't go their way. They don't have money, their husband is insensitive, their job stinks, their kids that....or whatever other trial they face. Some people are just born to complain....I could most likely fall into that category. Not that I haven't been jipped as Jan would say or didn't deserve better and was wronged....but not allowing other people's actions to define who I am or how I react. I guess that has just been something that has stuck with me. But will take training being that my flesh cries out to complain and at times can take over. A lot :o/
Father, I don't think this email in anyway was spiritual but was basically just me letting it out. Forgive me for thinking wrong thoughts and for allowing wrong feelings to determine my attitude. Help me to believe your word and to ALWAYS be open to the Holy Spirit. When I lack trust in people help me to not EVER allow their actions or hurtful spews to become my perception of Who You Are. I love you Lord, and honestly need my heart cleaned from so many anxieties, hurts, anger....just everything my flesh is trying to cling on so hard to. I in no way claim to be perfect in any area. Help me to let go and to just focus on what really matters in my life. I have so much to be grateful for and don't want to take for granted what you have entrusted me with. An amazing man of God and 3 beautiful children who at an early age already show a passion for loving You.

Monday, June 22, 2009

100 Years And A Godly Legacy

Some say it's genes...Some say luck....But to live 100 years and to just have your license renewed for 7 years has to go deeper than than just genes or luck.

Ira has lived his life serving and living a Godly example for his entire family. He has put God first in his life and taught his family the true meaning of life....and like Abraham Isaac and Jacob....because of his faith he has left a "Godly" legacy for several generations and generations to come even after he leaves this earth to finally hear those words we LONG to hear. Well done and faithful servant. How awesome and blessed is our family to have such an amazing man in our life!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dear Jesus

Nothing can make a mother more proud than seeing their children grow up to serve the One And Only God and Savior! My children 5,6,and 2 year old already have a passion for their Jesus. Just the other day Chloe informed me after getting home from her Nana's house that even if we are not in Church, it is ok to still talk about Jesus and sing praise to Him.

We just recently had a HUGE storn that caused a lot of damage in our neighborhood and miami county. Our power was out for over 14 hours. As we layed on the bed around 11 p.m. Noah said "Mommy, the clouds are MAD! We need to pray. Jesus can stop this and give us back our lights." The mad clouds made me giggle!

Then there is Ruthi. Recently my dad got her this praying precious moment baby. It says the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep" At the very end it says amen. Well, we push it every night before she goes to bed. She always says "amen" after it's done.
Well, shortly after she got this doll she was inspired to pray with the kids at the dinner table. Can I just say it is the most precious thing I have ever witnessed. I am so proud of her. It is a huge wake up call and reminds me NOW is the time to be praying for the salvation of my children. Now is when they learn who exactly God is.

The bible says to teach our children in the ways of God and they will not depart from it. I don't believe this means mearly speaking that there is a God....I mean visably showing them and modeling for them the Passion YOU have for Christ....they will see in You how much you love Him and see in your actions and life how to serve Him. And when you fail and mess up....show them it's ok to fall at the foot of the cross and find forgiveness. They will not always have this innocence that we see now. Life will get ahold of them like it did us. The world will try to warp their minds and sin will steal so much from their life. But thank God for Jesus!

The best gift you can give your babies is to give your heart to Jesus. Love Him, serve Him, Worship Him....your children will see what you give your time to, your heart to....remember actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Addison's First Birthday!

Today was Addison's first birthday. When she was born she weighed a whopping 3 pounds....and still to this day remains tiny as could be. I don't get to see her too often :o( But I enjoy everytime I get to hold her and love on her.

Not sure who was more excited....Addi or Daddy ;o)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Smelly Feet

I just cannot wrap my mind around how something so beautiful can put off such smelly B.O. This has been an issue for quite sometime now. For as long as I can remember Chloe has had this issue with sweaty hands and feet. Her feet and hands get so hot (FIRE HOT) and sweat a river thru her pores. When she was a baby baby it didn't cause the smelling issue, but by the time she became 3 it was an issue. I can walk into my son's room and it be smelling like fruits and perfumes "lol" but I walk into her room and it smells like a guys sweaty locker room. It really is embarrassing to have people walk into her room cause its so noticable.

Her poor feet look so bad because they peel contantly from being wet....I am having to really watch my reaction and what I say about her feet and hands because if I say anything now she says "mommy I know...this hurts my feelings". Awwww this just makes me want to cry. I am going to set an appointment up with the Doctor and find out our options. I mentioned it to him a couple years ago and he said it was an overactive sweat gland. This is an issue even when she wears flip flops or just walks around the house. It is not from her feet not getting air circulation.

I have been given some advice from a few that I need to take but I really don't see it helping. Her feet sweat NON STOP! Her bed smells from her sweating....I just don't know what this poor girl is going to do. Like her and Noah say...."Mom we need to pray for Chloe's sweaty feet" I think that is an option we need to take...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Dear Satan

Dear Satan,
I'm writing to inform you that I decline your invitation

I'm declining your invitation to self pity and shame
Anger, resentment, unforgiveness and blame

No more excuses for believing your lies
My personal feelings and emotions I deny

No longer in surrender to the past you've chained me to
You are not in control
"Jesus I surrender to You"

You knew how to make me feel insecure
And all that guilt you made me endure

You have lost this battle
God has crushed you down
The true owner of my heart has been found

Taking captive every anxious thought you impress
My love for Jesus from now on I confess

As of now, my spiritual armor is on
Covered in Jesus blood
My guilt from sin is gone

I am no longer your victim but the daughter of a King
To Him alone my heart praises and sings

So Satan I have written this to inform you I have declined your invitation
Your well- laid out plans have been exposed....
And that is the END of this conversation!

Lisa Gerken

Praise be to our God and Savior Jesus Christ in ALL things!

To My Husband

I love you for who you are
I love you for what you are good at
I love the way you can make me laugh at any given situation
And for the ridiculous impressions you make
I love you for the way you let me put my cold bare feet on your legs when I crawl into bed
And the way you tuck the covers around me making sure I am snug and warm
I love you for how you always use your fingers to move the hair away from my face
And how we don't even have to talk
But embrace our moment of being close
I love how there has NEVER been a morning you left without waking me up to tell me you love me
I love kissing your dusty, dirty, greasy face the moment you walk thru the door from work
I love how dedicated you are to serving those in need
And listening to God anoint every beat you make on the drums during worship
I have even realized I love the annoying things you do and are not so good at
Like the way you always manage to miss the laundry basket
And cannot seem to tell the difference between a basket of clean clothes to a basket of dirty clothes
Or how you always take that one sock off and stuff it inbetween the couch for me to find months later
I love how EVERYTHING I lack you somehow make up for
I tend to give up so easily and you are always willing to finish what was started
If one of these things were missing I would be incomplete
Nothing would be the same and we wouldn't be "US"
Thankyou for loving me and being who you are!
I am sorry for making a list of goals for you to meet in order for me to be happy
Missing out on all these things you already do that make me happy
I am so sorry for being selfish and at times what I thought was motivated by love
Was really motivated to get what I wanted to make me feel good
I am asking you to forgive me
I love you and want to put you before myself
I want to love you like our Savior loves
Putting your needs before my own
I am sorry for the unrealistic expectations I have made
And for not giving you the permission to be human
And at times finding myself trying to be the Holy Spirit in your life
Some of these things may seem so small and simple
But I realize I lacked to appreciate
I will from now on work on putting you first
Not for any type of outcome I want
But because I love you!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Best Birthday Ever!

This was something I had journaled about in February. Thought I would share it.

February 20, 2009
So tonight I was making no bake cookies. Noah had just got home from his night out with the Cerros family at T-Rex for Ethan's birthday party. He had come down stairs after getting his PJ's on and asked me why I was making cookies. I told him it was mommy's birthday comming up and I needed some cookies. He told me "I need to go to walmart mom and get you a present but I can't let you see what I get you..." I about nearly broke down in tears. So we called Gee Gee and asked if she could pick him up and take him to walmart to buy his mommy a present for her birthday. I am telling you what. There is NOTHING in this world that could possibly be more precious than that. NOTHING! No amount of gold or silver means more to me than knowing my little boy wanted to make his momy feel special on her birthday :o) I love my son!

Our Trip To Deana Rose

This picture is for Opa....Here's to you Opa!!!

I love my babies so much! My children, after my love for Christ and the Amazing God I serve....they are my life! This Summer has been so awesome being able to spend it with all 3 of them. I have come to the conclusion that I need nothing but my faith in Christ, my husband, and my children....everything else comes and goes and is not guranteed.

We spent the day at the Deana Rose Family Farmstead. I loved watching the kids get so excited over seeing all the animals and getting to feed them. Roo was not too thrilled with the goats and getting too close to them...

Chloe doing what she loves most. Riding horses.

I still remember when Noah was scared to death of Sierra...Grandma Great's horse. It's good to see that he got over his fear of horses.

Chloe didn't catch the fish but still wanted to impress her Opa...So we took a picture of her with the fish. Ugh....I had to hook all those worms.....it was nasty. I didn't have Pastor Roy there to hook them all for me. It really was the nastiest feeling in the world to hold them slimy things.

Noah had a hungry goat. Bottle feeding was a lot of fun. Those little goats are so cute. I had to hold Ruthi for awhile but I was fianlly able to get her to walk next to me. She didn't warm up completely but stood a good distance behind one and posed for a picture.

She has such a cute smile.

I think this is adorable.

She is so beautiful!

Noah ran out of milk...so the goat decided to eat his shirt. Earlier one bit him in the !@#$%

We had so much fun. God has blessed me above and beyond. I hold tight to that in my moments of ....well, in those moments...

What a cute group...The three Gerken Amigos.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ray Boltz Controversy

I am completely heart broken reading this. Is anyone else mourning this whole ordeal. Ray has written some of the most inspirational music of all time. I really have had a burden to pray for this man and his family. I honestly don't understand how someone who has been able to inspire and write music like he has, and then turn around completely turn away.

This is a quote from Ray in a magazine article.
Id denied it ever since I was a kid," Boltz, 55, told the magazine. "I became a Christian, I thought that was the way to deal with this and I prayed hard and tried for 30-some years and then at the end, I was just going, Im still gay. I know I am. And I just got to the place where I couldn't take it anymore when I was going through all this darkness, I thought, Just end this.

But those who obey God's Word TRULY show how completely they love Him. That is how we know we are living in Him. 1 John 2:5-6

Now the Holy Spirit tells us clearly that in the last times some will turn away from the true faith and will follow deceptive spirits and teachings that come from demons. These people are hypocrites and liars and their conscience are dead! 1Timothy 4:1-2

This is a clear example of what Paul was talking about ....
Ray has turned from the truth to follow the sin that entices him and makes him feel good. The contentment he is feeling is not coming from God. We as Christian's still need live accordingly and pray without ceasing with this. Ray seems pretty confident but I still have faith God can bust down his wall of pride. But unfortunately those who have once tasted the Lord's goodness and still walk away...It is hard for them to ever come back. Pray people pray!

Calling Ray out on his choice of homosexuality I can agree is judging him. But not the type of judgement of condeming him. He is professing to be a follower of Christ but giving the ok to be gay. We are called to judge believers and hold each other accountable. Ray is totally in the wrong and scripture calls him on it....You will never see me holding up discriminating signs saying God hates fags....I feel like anyone who does that is not reflecting Christ and the love He shared. They stand themselves in their own judgement. I do believe we have an obligation to stand firm on this moral issue, but can do so in a loving matter. I do hurt for Ray that he gave into the temptaion of sin. FYI we have no obligation in judging those who are homosexuals and do not claim Christ in their life. We are not to judge unbelivers or hold them accountable. I just cannot sit back and let people "Praise The Name Of Jesus" and be pro`homosexual.

Father God, I pray for Mr. Boltz. He was a man created in your very image and how this must crush your heart to see what has happened. Father I lift him up and his family. Holy spirit you are the only one who can speak to Him and draw him back to You. FAther soften His heart and speak nothing but absoulute truth to Him. I bind Satan in the name of Jesus Christ....so that next time Ray opens his Bible he will see nothing but Truth and that His sin will be exposed and He will run to you for redemption. We cannot serve 2 masters Father. Oh Lord I thank You and I praise you for how forgiving and loving You are and that there is nothing we cannot be forgiven for. Father, I ask that you burden every Christian's heart to pray for this man....as if he were our own family member and as Jesus who stands at Your right hand is praying right now! Father God, I ask this in your Son's name.